Sadly too many of us look at some one part of ourselves we see as imperfect, awful or even repulsive. “I hate my legs,” we moan, or “Ewww, look at my flabby upper arms. Look at them swing when I wave. Yuck!” “My nose is awful. If only I had a nose like hers. Then I’d be happy.”

We cripple our confidence with our critical evaluations of our features. We think perfection is what it takes to be attractive. But it’s not. Just the opposite. Perfection repels.

What we should each of us aim for is attractiveness. And attractiveness is about joy, vitality and good health.

Good health is luscious hair, glowing skin and clear eyes, a trim body (some muscle tone and a moderate amount of fat to plump out the skin), good teeth and a mild, pleasant scent.

Vitality is a vigorous use of a healthy body, grace and freedom of movement, liveliness, energy and excellent posture.

Joy is a welcoming smile, a positive approach to life, a delight, gratitude and appreciation for all we have.

Imagine a person like that. Imagine you see them across the room at a party. Are you attracted? Would you like to stand next to them, talk to them? Would you like to be their friend? Would you like to get to know them better, wake up to them tomorrow, sit across a breakfast table from them?

Do you feel like wandering over and striking up a conversation? If so, you’ve just been attracted.

Now imagine a perfect-looking person. Fantastic figure, perfect features, immaculately waved hair. Not a flaw to be seen. They could have stepped off a movie screen. Out of a beauty magazine. You can’t help but stare. They are mesmerising. Unreal.

Do you feel like wandering over and striking up a conversation?

Or do you cringe with embarrassment at the very thought?

For how could such a perfect, flawless person need us to be their friend, their lover? How could they need anything when clearly they have it all?

For us to be the successful social animals we are designed to be, we need attractiveness, not perfect beauty. We need to forgive our flaws and forget them. To work to achieve good health, vitality and joy, the sort of beauty that is its own reward.

The reality – at least in Auckland – is rather more tame. That is: it will depend on who s there on the night. You might be in the club for hours, wandering slowly from room to room, and not see anything more than people fondling their own partners and looking around hopefully.

You may see a man who has several (hired!) women in attendance, none of whom are allowed to play with anyone other than him. You may see one or more couples of your parents’ vintage. You may see people who have purchased and donned (with great difficulty and lots of talcum powder) outrageously expensive leather and vinyl gear and are parading about longing for admiration.

You may see couples self-consciously trying out the swing, the cage, the tent, the Sybian, the whips, the hammock, or any of the other unusual toys and gear. You may sit at the bar and do nothing other than watch all this strange byplay, shaking your head politely when beckoned to join someone.

Or perhaps you will have your first girl-on-girl kiss. Mmmm. Only to have her pulled away by her jealous boyfriend who is busy fucking her as hard as he can and rather miffed that she is more interested in your kiss than what he’s up to with his cock.

Perhaps you will obediently (and blindly) put your hand into the tent when your husband says, “hey sweetie, this woman has great breasts,” and after thinking to yourself “gosh, that breast doesn’t feel that great. In fact it just feels sweaty and…hairy?” realise you got the wrong person and you are holding startled man-boob.

Perhaps you will find that the Sybian is (omigodohmigodOHMYGOD!) just as amazing an experience as you were led to believe (as the lights dim and the floor vibrates while your husband cranks up the power). You will also be struck by the hilarity of having some chap sitting nearby politely strike up a conversation as if you were sitting in a bar – “So, do you come here often?” – while this extraordinary machine is at work in your pussy.

“Just give me a moment, mate,”

Is what I might have said under other circumstances. I believe I squeaked something like: “One…moment…ooo. Ah. Ooooooo. Mmmm.”

Or something like that.

Maybe you’ll visit several times but the only man you’ll have sex with is your husband. However you are free to have sex with anyone who accepts your invitation. Or anyone who approaches, and you say ‘Yes’ rather than ‘No thank you’. Visitors at sex clubs are as likely to suffer rejection there as anywhere else. The difference is that if you are accepted, you can have sex right there on the couch/floor/against the wall/in the hammock etc.

‘No’ means ‘Absolutely not’ in a sex club, and if you ignore a ‘No’ you are likely to be ejected by the bouncer, wasting your entry fee. Last time I visited it was $100 for a couple at CKK, $70 for a couple at Spartys, single women were free at both places, and single men are only allowed on Thursdays at Spartys, and not at all at CKK. However do call ahead to check as these things are subject to change.

It’s a very safe environment to go, do nothing but look, and feel like you are really spicing up your sex life. Perhaps give you some fodder for fantasies in the privacy of your own bedroom. Perfect for exhibitionists too. CKK is a smaller venue which gives a feeling of cozy intimacy. Spartys – with its higher ceilings and larger rooms – will leave you feeling more exposed. Which may be exactly what you are looking for.

I think they are worth a visit, particularly for those who are entry-level for swinging or poly-amory. If you find you actually cannot handle seeing your beloved kissed by another person it’s good to discover this at a venue where you can gracefully (or ungracefully) disengage and even leave if you want. Much more embarassing if you’ve invited someone to your home!

If anyone would like to offer reviews of their experiences at these clubs – or at any other clubs that emerge in AUckland or around NZ, please feel free to add your material. Thanks.

Perhaps.

There are a group of people in strong, steady partnerships who embrace another option. Literally. Polyamory. Multiple loves.

Exactly what this looks like differs from couple to couple.

Some couples seek out another couple to play with. They may go on double dates together, move from there to the bedroom, where they may have sex with their own partners but enjoy the sight and sounds of another couple in the room. And the experience of an audience.

They may go steady with this other couple or have several couples they see regularly, or a series of ‘one-offs’. They may do a ‘partial swap’ where one of the men has both of the women, or one of the women has both of the men. Or the women have each other, or the men do.

It might be full on, penetrative sex, or just play of various sorts and stages.

Some couples seek a third person – man or woman – to join them. This third person might be a regular play-mate, or a ‘one night stand’.

Within the world of poly amory I have watched two married couples meet and the man from one pairing, the woman from the other, fall deeply in love with each other. Their partners, not quite so ideally suited to each other, have stood lovingly and sometimes lustfully by as this love affair ran its course over a couple of years, gradually diminished in intensity as such things naturally do, and eventually petered out sexually for the most part. A solid friendship remains, with the occasional booty call.

In the conventional understanding of marriage, this sort of love should be forbidden. Often it results in marriages – even those of long standing – collapsing. Homes, finances, parenting structures destroyed, because monogamy has no room for new sexual passions.

Poly amory is perfect in situations where each partner has a high libido that seeks variety. It spices up a long term relationship, bringing the vigour of the new and interesting into the bedroom. In its truest sense – where love is involved, rather than ‘swinging’ – it allows for safer sexual connections and in its most wholesome guise for an individual to have care, love and support from more than one (at times stressed, pre-occupied) lover.

Polyamory is also suited to the relationship where a high libido is paired with a low libido. The low libido can generously allow their partner to openly and honestly have their sexual needs met outside the relationship. The high libido is then released from the tyranny of their own drives, able to be tender and loving with their partner without constantly harassing them for sex.

It’s not always an easy road of course. There are some things that are required of you, if you want to live a poly amorous life. First there is the level of communication required of each person. After all, once you step outside the conventional boundaries and rules, everything must be negotiated.

“Yes, you may flirt with other women in bars or social situations where no one knows you or me. And you may kiss those women. But you may not fondle them or do anything else with them without checking with me first. And if you pick a woman to bring home she has to talk with me on the phone first. And then I have to be there while you have sex with her. And you have to give me an orgasm too.”

“Yes, you can have sex with other men as long as I’m there to watch. But not oral sex. Oral sex you save for me. And not anal sex either. That you also save for me. You’re not allowed to call them ‘darling’ or ‘sweetheart’.”

“What I’d really like is a regular lover I know quite well who comes over once or twice a month while you’re on your business trips.”

“I don’t mind you seeing Sarah during the week, but not in the weekends. That’s family time.”

As well as clear communication, you need to be willing to negotiate and re-negotiate. Just organising the dynamics of a couple is complex enough. Throw in another one or two people and the variations and needs are endless. And things change over time. You may be excited watching your girlfriend suck another man’s cock, but once she’s your wife it’s another story. Multiple partners was no issue when you got married, but now you have kids and you don’t want him seeing other women.

The third thing you need is a security about your partner’s level of attachment to you. Poly-amory does not work for the insecure. And security is definitely something that can change over time. For instance when a woman has a baby she is likely to feel insecure due to her altered body and her new dependant, and her own loss of freedom and choices. Just at the time a partnership naturally has a hiatus from intercourse and it would make sense for a generous woman to say ‘sure, have a bit on the side’ she is likely to want her man to stay very close and devoted only to her.

Generosity is the next charateristic you need. Generosity towards both your partner, and the people with whom you share him/her. And the awareness that when you let another woman perform fellatio on him, that is your gift to him and to her.

Appreciation of the generosity of your partner is important too. When they give you this gift of freedom they want you to realise it is something special and precious, that should bring you closer together.

Honesty and its natural consequence: trust. Poly amory will never work long term if there is deceit.

Caution. As with any activity that involves sex, a sensible approach is a cautious approach. Talk, take things slowly, talk some more, and use protection. No one wants to introduce an STD or a mismatched child into the equation. Or perhaps you do want the child. That can be another reason for polyamory!

Equality between partners. If there is a power imbalance poly amory can be a very toxic lifestyle. That is if the stronger partner bullies the more submissive partner into acting against their own desires or nature. This is very damaging for the submissive partner and is likely to harm them and (hopefully!) end your partnership.

These days it is easy for a couple or single to get started with polyamory. Like-minded people are only a few key-strokes away on internet dating sites. And if you are a ‘sex addict’ or a ‘serial cheater’ then maybe you are one of nature’s polyamorists, and it’s time to base your future relationships on that premise. Honesty is definitely the way to go!

The Lunchtime Fuck

It is all too easy to leave sex to the evenings. After all, that’s when you and your
partner fall into bed together. It is natural enough for sex to follow on in the
comfortable, welcoming space of your bed.
The problem is that bedtime sex may also be late evening sex. At the end of a long,
tiring day. When you don’t really have the energy or enthusiasm to get physical.

Even more so when your work role involves looking after others. Either in the scope
of an ordinary job, or as a parent. When you’ve spent your whole day seeing to the
needs of others, the last thing in the world you want is to see to the needs of your
lover. It’s just another job! You’re tired and you want your sleep more than you
want sex.

And that’s when sex drives, and sex lives, start to fade away.

If you have a short commute to work or – even better – work from home, there is an
answer: the lunchtime fuck. Catch your lover before their energy starts to wane.
Stick a DVD in the player for the kids, or time your lunchbreak to match their nap.
Have a passionate quickie. Bend them over the kitchen table, lift them onto the bench,
drag them down on the carpet by the front door.

Play at being the teenager: horny as hell and anxious not to get busted doing
something you shouldn’t. Or the romantic, overcome with lust at the thought of your
beloved, who can’t wait a moment more to take off their clothes.

If the trip back from work is just impossible on a weekday, save yourself for the
weekends. Pick any day of the week that works with your schedule. The essence of
the lunchtime fuck is to interrupt your own habit, the habit that says you must be
lying in bed before you think of sex.

Overall length 6.5cm (2.5″) x 2cm (3/4″) wide.

Bonus – 2 sets of battery packs included! Includes 10% G.S.T

Price $19.00

Also available in plus sizes

Item ID. 6100X7083

This item is ex-stock so please allow approximately 10 – 15 days for delivery Includes 12.5% G.S.T

Price: $320.00 NZ

Size

Small $320.00 Medium $320.00 Large $320.00

Color

Black White

“The Sex Bible” is an authoritative, comprehensive, and beautifully photographed sex resource book that provides in-depth treatment of sexual topics in frank detail. The book is arranged into different sections, for example, “Foreplay,” “Sex Toys,” “Oral Sex.” It explores sexual subjects you are either familiar with, or until now, never even knew existed. Couples will be captivated by personal anecdotes interspersed throughout. Illustrated with full-color photography, “The Sex Bible” will not only educate its readers, but help heighten sexual enjoyment.

As a sex performer, sexual adventurer, and sex educator, Nina Hartley has done the fieldwork and has taken extensive notes. Now, she’s ready to share her research. “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex” is ideal for both sexual pioneers and enthusiastic novices. Unabashedly erotic, the book covers a lot of territory, allowing readers to sample the whole smorgasbord or just nibble at what they see as the choicest bits.