Perhaps we are supposed to mate for life with one person. Perhaps we should be faithful to them forever, truly forsaking all others. Perhaps the 50% of people – both men and women – studies have shown cheat on their partners are evil, misguided, selfish and all the other names that have been attached to cheaters throughout the ages.
Perhaps.
There are a group of people in strong, steady partnerships who embrace another option. Literally. Polyamory. Multiple loves.
Exactly what this looks like differs from couple to couple.
Some couples seek out another couple to play with. They may go on double dates together, move from there to the bedroom, where they may have sex with their own partners but enjoy the sight and sounds of another couple in the room. And the experience of an audience.
They may go steady with this other couple or have several couples they see regularly, or a series of ‘one-offs’. They may do a ‘partial swap’ where one of the men has both of the women, or one of the women has both of the men. Or the women have each other, or the men do.
It might be full on, penetrative sex, or just play of various sorts and stages.
Some couples seek a third person – man or woman – to join them. This third person might be a regular play-mate, or a ‘one night stand’.
Within the world of poly amory I have watched two married couples meet and the man from one pairing, the woman from the other, fall deeply in love with each other. Their partners, not quite so ideally suited to each other, have stood lovingly and sometimes lustfully by as this love affair ran its course over a couple of years, gradually diminished in intensity as such things naturally do, and eventually petered out sexually for the most part. A solid friendship remains, with the occasional booty call.
In the conventional understanding of marriage, this sort of love should be forbidden. Often it results in marriages – even those of long standing – collapsing. Homes, finances, parenting structures destroyed, because monogamy has no room for new sexual passions.
Poly amory is perfect in situations where each partner has a high libido that seeks variety. It spices up a long term relationship, bringing the vigour of the new and interesting into the bedroom. In its truest sense – where love is involved, rather than ‘swinging’ – it allows for safer sexual connections and in its most wholesome guise for an individual to have care, love and support from more than one (at times stressed, pre-occupied) lover.
Polyamory is also suited to the relationship where a high libido is paired with a low libido. The low libido can generously allow their partner to openly and honestly have their sexual needs met outside the relationship. The high libido is then released from the tyranny of their own drives, able to be tender and loving with their partner without constantly harassing them for sex.
It’s not always an easy road of course. There are some things that are required of you, if you want to live a poly amorous life. First there is the level of communication required of each person. After all, once you step outside the conventional boundaries and rules, everything must be negotiated.
“Yes, you may flirt with other women in bars or social situations where no one knows you or me. And you may kiss those women. But you may not fondle them or do anything else with them without checking with me first. And if you pick a woman to bring home she has to talk with me on the phone first. And then I have to be there while you have sex with her. And you have to give me an orgasm too.”
“Yes, you can have sex with other men as long as I’m there to watch. But not oral sex. Oral sex you save for me. And not anal sex either. That you also save for me. You’re not allowed to call them ‘darling’ or ‘sweetheart’.”
“What I’d really like is a regular lover I know quite well who comes over once or twice a month while you’re on your business trips.”
“I don’t mind you seeing Sarah during the week, but not in the weekends. That’s family time.”
As well as clear communication, you need to be willing to negotiate and re-negotiate. Just organising the dynamics of a couple is complex enough. Throw in another one or two people and the variations and needs are endless. And things change over time. You may be excited watching your girlfriend suck another man’s cock, but once she’s your wife it’s another story. Multiple partners was no issue when you got married, but now you have kids and you don’t want him seeing other women.
The third thing you need is a security about your partner’s level of attachment to you. Poly-amory does not work for the insecure. And security is definitely something that can change over time. For instance when a woman has a baby she is likely to feel insecure due to her altered body and her new dependant, and her own loss of freedom and choices. Just at the time a partnership naturally has a hiatus from intercourse and it would make sense for a generous woman to say ‘sure, have a bit on the side’ she is likely to want her man to stay very close and devoted only to her.
Generosity is the next charateristic you need. Generosity towards both your partner, and the people with whom you share him/her. And the awareness that when you let another woman perform fellatio on him, that is your gift to him and to her.
Appreciation of the generosity of your partner is important too. When they give you this gift of freedom they want you to realise it is something special and precious, that should bring you closer together.
Honesty and its natural consequence: trust. Poly amory will never work long term if there is deceit.
Caution. As with any activity that involves sex, a sensible approach is a cautious approach. Talk, take things slowly, talk some more, and use protection. No one wants to introduce an STD or a mismatched child into the equation. Or perhaps you do want the child. That can be another reason for polyamory!
Equality between partners. If there is a power imbalance poly amory can be a very toxic lifestyle. That is if the stronger partner bullies the more submissive partner into acting against their own desires or nature. This is very damaging for the submissive partner and is likely to harm them and (hopefully!) end your partnership.
These days it is easy for a couple or single to get started with polyamory. Like-minded people are only a few key-strokes away on internet dating sites. And if you are a ‘sex addict’ or a ‘serial cheater’ then maybe you are one of nature’s polyamorists, and it’s time to base your future relationships on that premise. Honesty is definitely the way to go!
